Lethargy

Some days, I wake up and read the news and have an overwhelming need to write something. Lately not so much. It is not that there is little to write about, quite the contrary. The news today is so filled with controversial stories it becomes difficult to focus on a single area. That was why I wrote a post with multiple headings last week as I wanted to write but had no clear focus.

Today I ponder that lack of focus and wonder if there is more to it then the overwhelming amount of curiosities going on around the globe. And I had to laugh the other day as I read a post from a friend who thought it was interesting how the world was unfolding as she expected, I did not ask whether it was the actions or results that were what she anticipated.

It could also be the case that as a Canadian writing and publishing here in the great white north there is more and more reticence regarding stating conservative ideals. The latest Liberal free speech blanket is Bill-C9 which goes so far as to allow the government to turn off your access to the internet if what you are saying is not approved by them.

Of course this is next level socialist creep that nobody really notices, at least until it is too late, and is not the core reason for backing off writing. Likely one of them but not what is the main one. Maybe the core is fear based. Possibly it is coming from the sense of ongoing impending doom as I creep ever closer to the heart transplant. The fears being multiple, something will go wrong and the bigger, that I will not be admitted to the program or once on I will be disqualified.

These are all unreasonable. but they lurk ever closer to the surface of consciousness on a regular basis keeping me awake ever longer each night. Each day I try to accomplish something that will aid in my hearts longevity hoping and praying for enough out of this heart to make it to the replacement. I try to do my part with God on this one also, hopefully adding to the list of his children I am trying to help. That one both gets easier and harder as we move forward.

There is also the sense of impotence. No, not that kind. The impotence of not having a platform large enough to matter. The impotence of screaming into a closet full of clothes that muffle the sound when you are alone in a house. The impotence of knowing these words will likely only be read by myself. And yet even knowing that I start to type, catharsis flowing from my fingertips into the computer and onto the screen. Sadly though not often enough lately.

But that is enough for today. This self-indulgence toward self-pity is not useful. So I bid you adieu for the day with a hearty GO Bills to sign off.