Heartless

It is not the case that I do not have a heart. It is just that the one I have has issues. Kind of big ones too. Twice now in the past 17 years I have been told that I have a couple months to live. Twice I have outlived those prognostications by significant amounts.

For some reason the results from an echocardiogram seem to portent something different. It could just be that I have had a couple of really shit days in the stock market and I am looking for some reason to feel sorry for myself. I can not do that with self induced stupidity, which is the case with the market.

This time it feels different. In the past I have not really felt issues when they have cropped up. Well except that one bit of heart failure that I had 10 years ago when I almost drowned driving myself to the hospital. My meds were changed in January after having a mitral valve clip installed and since then it has never been quite right. I just do not feel the same.

And since I read the results of the test, it feels like the end of the world is nigh.

Now it is not that the results were overly terrible. There is no imminent demise on the horizon but really for the first time it seems like the horizon is visible. And that my friends is no good. At least for my head.

I sit out in my yard typing this and can not help but think how lucky I have been so far. 17 years is a remarkable amount of time. That 5 years was considered the outside expectation originally I’ve done quite well. Of course that is no consolation when you are thinking that the end of that streak is approaching.

So, what do I do? Nothing much really different. I try to eat a little better, get a little more sleep. Certain things are fixed in my life like bills, and school which are the only real stresses that I have.

So, I have to simply get these things done, that is pay the bills and complete the school work so the stress levels go away. If I eat less carbs and salt my body feels better. And then take the advice of my cardiologist when I see her next, which I do anyway.

It is difficult though, continuous little reminders keep intruding. The night time ones are the worst, leg cramps or little anxiety attacks. They prey on me the worst. Unlike a bad dream, when these things wake me up I remember them the next morning. And then it is the start of a bad day.

Add in some financial crazy and the morning can spin out into unreasonableness. And unless caught will mean that by late afternoon all I’m good for is a nap, and some grumpiness.

So I get up, take my pills and act as if. As if this is a good day. As if I hadn’t received the results of the test. As if I have 30 years or more left in my life because if all goes well, that’s what I have.

Make the money last, make the health last. Not always in that order of priority.

We will see today how this goes. I am finishing this post a couple days after the initial start of it. I have had much more writing I needed to do in school than here so it took priority. But I played golf with my family yesterday and cooked them wood fired pizzas after which they all just rave about so life goes on.

I drink my coffee, eat my yogurt and take my fistful of prescriptions and supplements. I ponder a post about the supplements I take and ponder another coffee.

The coffee wins.